Lipstick on The Bathroom Mirror

featured submission in our latest INTIMACY issue

Submitted By: Myles Nwatu

Photography: @photographybym.jpeg | Writing: @user.docpdf

It’s easy to conflate the definitions of love and intimacy. Often, these words are used interchangeably, as if to say all actions are done with a level of intimacy, something soft for the heart to latch onto. Every person I meet challenges everything I know about love. It can be as simple as conversing casually with a stranger or meeting someone’s gaze from across the room. There’s something special being shared, whether it’s an emotion, or a confession of some sort, and my heart squeezes a bit more. I wonder about the possibility of those gazes being filled with recognition and then fondness, wishing for conversations to bleed into the evening, nothing to be heard except for our soft whispers, so helplessly eager to enjoy each other’s company just a bit longer. It’s a delicate, yet overwhelming feeling of knowing someone is waiting for you in every room, conversation, and moment. There’s a natural love that comes with the appreciation of life and its beauty. However, I wonder what it would feel like to be in the center of that spotlight for just a moment. Imagine: someone looking at you wishing to learn your secrets and the two of you embracing the unknown hand in hand. This description of soft mornings, softer evenings, caresses full of admiration, and laughter full of joy, makes intimacy sound more fantastical than the modern interpretations of love most of us are accustomed to. I realize I crave something more fragile than that, something that threatens to break once whispered and admitted openly. It is even more devastating knowing people are hesitant to expose their souls and resort to finding long-term satisfaction in short-term sensual pleasures. 

Obsession is the other idea circling this conversation; it’s personification: stalking, circling, waiting for the right moment to strike. Obsession preys on the fears of rejection and low self-esteem. If I can’t have this person, I might as well gouge myself on realities that will never exist, right? If this person doesn’t want me, I might as well mold myself into something unrecognizable; they’ll respond, right? 

Obsession causes us to turn someone into something : an object we can have and manipulate. This obsessive curiosity and speculation feel feverish under my skin as if I’m suddenly a sweaty eighth grader watching pairs of people sway awkwardly to a slow song or being a nervous high school sophomore watching promposals and wondering if there was someone in the crowd who was just as anxious to ask me. Even now, seeing my friends’ shared look of fondness as they speak of their partners fills me with inadequacy and discomfort. To be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be changed. Yet, I find myself looking past them and trying to get a glimpse of the possibilities of what could be. I imagine finding someone who seeks the same desire to grow alongside me. Eros mocks my heart by forcing me to be a voyeur. 

To an extent, this is unproductive and unhelpful, musing for the intimacy of closeness without the responsibility of experiencing true vulnerability and acceptance due to mutual understanding. While recognizing these feelings of insecurity, hesitation, and longing are important, it’s easy to get paralyzed by them. Wallowing in a feeling too hard doesn’t allow much time for experimentation and making memories. It’s hard trusting yourself with your emotions and even harder trusting someone else. Yet, instead of experimenting and taking the risk, many people push everyone an arm’s distance away. Simultaneously, yearning for “that one person” who will reach every expectation, desire, and dream. The uncertainty of the future mangles this perfect fantasy. Commitment is not standing into the ambiguous forever; if anything, it’s an opportunity to brave the unknown together and hope to see each other on the other side. It might not be the perfect fantasy, but it sparks excitement for those willing to be curious.