Falling

by: Keiarra McLean

I am scared to fail. There, I said it. It is a fear that is so deeply rooted inside me that I feel to eliminate it would be to eliminate myself. It consumes my body, reminding me of how fragile it is.

To me, failing is kinda like falling - off a cliff. Surviving this fall is solely dependent on how tall that cliff is in comparison to the cold, hard ground. While I have failed before and survived, the height of the fall seems to grow taller with each day. Ten years ago I could have fallen off this cliff and survived. But now, I stare into the face of complete nothingness if I dare to hit the ground. Even just the thought of this strikes fear throughout my whole body. My joints start to tense up, my heart starts to race. I am trembling as I write these words. It’s terrifying. 

It’s funny because thinking about the future is both my favorite pastime and the number one cause of all of my anxiety. I am a walking contradiction. The fantasies of what could be versus the realities of what might be, really do their best at fucking with my sleep schedule. 

It is utterly impossible to avoid failure in some capacity. It is inevitable that you will fall off that cliff - doesn’t make it any less deadly, though.